Spring 2023

New growth. Something my clients often hear me say is “how do you kill weeds?” Many would say “pesticides, erradicate them” I say “the best way to kills weeds is to grow grass”. What is working in my life? How do I create more of it? My experience says if I stay focused on the problem the problem expands. If I focus on the good, the wellness, the wellness grows.

Here’s to new growth, new beginnings. To steal from the previous post….lets write a new story, tell a new tale one full of possibility.

Lets tell a story

It has been such a crazy couple of years. The world as we knew it took a huge shift. Many were frightened. All of us had to change the way we had been living. The ‘busy, busy’ lifestyle came to a crashing halt. Without the distractions of that life many struggled with their mental health. Relationships faltered, the way we did business changed and many lost their footing. It became more difficult to identify our next ‘right’ action.

So where am I now? I think this was a call to embrace something new, something different. But what?

This all has led me to question the stories. Identify the stories. Are they still relevant? For me they are not relevant. This time has hilighted for me that they were only stories. We don’t have to do business that way….there are new ways that are more satisfying and equally productive.

This time in history has shown me that my prepandemnic stories were merely stories. I had thought them ‘truths’ but ‘truths’ as perceived through a narrow lens. When the lens changed, so did the story. This is exciting news for me because now at any given moment I can stop and ask myself “is there another reflection to this story”, something I have not noticed? You see that’s the thing about stories, they have the power to blind us to other vistas.

Here’s to challenging the story.

Be Where You Are

I have had cause recently to reminisce about times past. One memory in particular was of an incredibly difficult time (one of the most difficult times in my life) and yet I remember the time with great fondness. It’s only upon reflection that I can remember what a great time it was! I was meeting all kinds of new people, learning new things…fully living!

I don’t want to miss those experiences. I want to value them in the moment I’m experiencing them, not in the process of reflection.

What am I missing in today that will hold great value upon reflection tomorrow? Let me know it now. Let me experience it fully now. Let me be grateful now.

Being Small

Being Small

I’ve been thinking a whole lot about ‘living small’. Sometimes little girls are managed and controlled with a tactic in an effort for conformity. When she reaches for what she wants, she is labeled ‘aggressive’, ‘bossy’, ‘pushy’, ‘demanding’ to name but a few. Are little boys managed in the same way? Often he is applauded for his ‘commanding presence’ ‘assertiveness’, ‘self directedness ’such admirable qualities. Do differences in language encourage; in a very subtle way, the message that a woman’s’ value is had in remaining small? “You better not be all that! Who does she think she is?”
The problem with staying small is the inability to be comfortable in our own skin. I am dressed in someone else’s ‘I’ll fitting ‘ clothing I am unable to feel strong and confident. I am unable to claim a place at the table and embrace all the gifts that are the truth of me.
How do we best change the conversation for our little girls? Maybe we are now able to see that to condition a human being to be a fraction of who they are, in an effort to conform is a distortion of self that just doesn’t serve.

Let’s talk about Abundance

I’ve been considering what contributes to the making of a good day? There is often good and bad in any given day for all of us. But there are some days I can manage it better than others. Why is that?

Abundance is often central to the conversation for me. That attitude is sometimes hard to come by at times. Our society is masterful at us coming from a place of lack. Your hair colour isn’t right… the number on the scale is all wrong…you need a new wardrobe…a better house in a better neighborhood…a finer car….etc. Hard to find abundance in that bombardment.

Ah but when I can remember that I have everything I need… smart enough…pretty enough…good enough…while then what is there to want for. ABUNDANCE….I am ENOUGH

Does Talking Help?

How is talking about "this stuff"  supposed to help me?

Talking about the stuff in your head with a Counselor affords the time and space to sort through the pieces of our lives.  What pieces are worth keeping and which are best released from their bondage in our souls.  This sorting is best done with someone you trust and respect .as we gain perspective.

Often these pieces have been well fed, seasoned and watered over a lifetime and are no longer representative of the truth of where they began.  We can tell ourselves some pretty crazy things!

Lets look at the work of Byron Katie and the work

“Is it true?"

“Can you absolutely know its true?”

“How do you react when you believe that thought?”

“Who would you be without that thought?”

Magic Words: When You Don't Know What's Wrong

if I don’t know what’s wrong,  how can I explain it to you? 

Ahhhh! I get that one myself!!!!

Sometimes I just feel off!

My experience has taught me that I can get ‘off’ still.  I can meditate and I can practice that,  but often I need to sit with my adviser.  (Every good counselor continues to do their own work with an advisor,  ya know!)

Let me run a typical conversation past you.

Client: "I just don’t know... I’m off" These are magic words.  They start the conversation. 

Counsellor: “Oh, what’s going on?”

Client: .....”oh nothing, really,”

 .... and those words , THOSE WORDS tell me that something has gone underground in preparation for a distortion in thinking....lol

QUOTE

“That’s the big question,

the one the world throws at you every morning.

‘Here you are, alive. Would you like to make a comment?”

—Mary Oliver

What's The Use?

I don’t understand how talking about any of this will help?

  I wonder if keeping it held within has helped?

Talking about 'the stuff' with a counselor affords the time and space to sort through the pieces of your life. Which ones are worth keeping and which pieces are much better released from their bondage in our souls?

Often the stories of our lives have been fed, seasoned and watered over a lifetime and rarely accurately represented their beginnings.

What if I'm Just "Broken", and Can't Be Fixed?

I’ve tried to quit....so many times...What if I’m  just broken and it can’t be fixed?

I don’t believe in “broken” or “fixed”.  When I think of “broken”, my perception is of something that has lost its value, like a vase broken in pieces which can no longer hold water nor flowers.

There is a Japanese practice that mends broken pieces with gold.  I love that! 

That which was broken - now stands more beautiful than ever.  Its beauty was always present. ..neither broken nor fixed.

Can’t get there from here

Often people will struggle with a decision. Fear dogs their every step. We consider …if I do ### or if I do ##### this might happen or that might happen? I have to remember, there are also consequences to remaining on the couch, doing nothing.
Sitting on my couch doesn’t offer a perspective of the landscape. I have to walk the bridge and trust that more will be revealed.

The hero’s journey is taken with the first step.

Whats it all about AlfiE

For the youngins … this is a song from 1966! That gives comfort because it tells me that for GENERATIONS we have tried to ‘figure out’ life! As a kid I was sure that I would receive a failing grade if I was not not clear on my understanding of life and my direction in it.
Life is fluid…always shifting so even if I did figure it out and reach Nirvana I wasn’t staying long. Nothing is constant… absolutely nothing.

Some would say this is the best time of your life! I figure they must have forgotten what it’s like to be young! Where do I fit? Did I do that right? Why aren’t they talking to me? Everyone is always telling me what to do? When do I decide? Oh my goodness I don’t know what I want to do for the rest of my life!!!! And on……..best time?

Maybe it can be good if I allow myself to explore….. it might need a road map and a permission slip. Find a voice you can hear……….….your own. All the different experiences with others is to help you accept the differences in us all! It develops patience and tolerance and leads a path to YOUR people! The ones that ‘get you’.

There is no pass or fail. Your mark in grade 10 history will never be noted…. unless by you. It just doesn’t matter

Did I do my best….do I have an ‘inner authority’ that’s the voice I need to develop. It doesn’t matter if I can hit a high C on my clarinet without it screeching…..but I develop a muscle while learning it. The muscle that perseveres to learn something new. In cultivating the ability to laugh at that screeching ‘c’; I’m better able to laugh at some of the pretty sour notes I’ve hit in my life. We all do And……..have I found ways to bring happiness and contentment to my life? Never constant….but moments

QUOTE Teddy Roosevelt

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again , because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly”

as introduced to me by Brene Brown in Daring Greatly

Can we talk about self care

Now that’s a loaded question!!!! I think it’s a pivotal place on the road to recovery. It is an indicator that I have learnt maybe a little about who I am…..and that I care for her.

Maybe I start to talk to her with a kinder inner voice? “Why did you do that….you are stupid” … is lessened and replaced sometimes with….”you tried so hard, great you tried….do you need some help?”

When the inner dialogue changes then I’m better able to put hand cream on my hands and good food in my belly.
Maybe I begin to Vet who I let into my circle? Maybe I decide to say no because a yes is not nice to me?